When the past keeps showing up in your relationship

Trauma, betrayal, attachment wounds and painful experiences can continue to shape how couples react to one another. EMDR can help us work with some of what sits underneath those patterns.

When the argument is about more than what is happening now

Some couples find themselves having the same argument over and over again. The subject may change — money, sex, parenting, communication, an affair, feeling criticised, feeling ignored — but underneath, the emotional experience can remain remarkably similar.

One partner feels abandoned, rejected or alone. The other feels criticised, controlled or as though nothing they do is ever good enough. Both may genuinely want things to be different, yet something keeps pulling them back into the same familiar pattern. Sometimes what is happening in these moments isn’t only about the relationship today.

Our closest relationships have an extraordinary ability to touch old vulnerabilities. Experiences of rejection, abandonment, criticism, betrayal, neglect or trauma can become activated between partners, even when we intellectually understand that the present situation is different from what happened in the past.

This is one of the places where trauma-informed couples therapy can be particularly helpful. Rather than looking only at what you are arguing about, we can begin to understand why certain moments carry so much emotional weight — and whether earlier experiences are contributing to what happens between you now.

Where appropriate, EMDR can become part of that couples therapy work.

When the argument is about more than what is happening now

Some couples find themselves having the same argument over and over again. The subject may change — money, sex, parenting, communication, an affair, feeling criticised, feeling ignored — but underneath, the emotional experience can remain remarkably similar.

One partner feels abandoned, rejected or alone. The other feels criticised, controlled or as though nothing they do is ever good enough. Both may genuinely want things to be different, yet something keeps pulling them back into the same familiar pattern. Sometimes what is happening in these moments isn’t only about the relationship today.

Our closest relationships have an extraordinary ability to touch old vulnerabilities. Experiences of rejection, abandonment, criticism, betrayal, neglect or trauma can become activated between partners, even when we intellectually understand that the present situation is different from what happened in the past.

This is one of the places where trauma-informed couples therapy can be particularly helpful. Rather than looking only at what you are arguing about, we can begin to understand why certain moments carry so much emotional weight — and whether earlier experiences are contributing to what happens between you now.

Where appropriate, EMDR can become part of that couples therapy work.

EMDR uses bilateral stimulation — often guided eye movements or other forms of alternating stimulation — within a structured therapeutic process. The purpose isn’t to erase a memory or pretend that something didn’t happen. You still know what happened, but the emotional intensity associated with the experience can change, along with the power it continues to have over you in the present.

Within couples therapy, that can matter enormously.

Why can EMDR be useful in couples therapy?

Intimate relationships give another person access to parts of us that most people never reach. That is part of what makes relationships so rewarding, but it is also why interactions with a partner can activate such powerful reactions.

A partner withdrawing during an argument may simply need twenty minutes to calm down. To the other person, however, that withdrawal can feel like You’re leaving me. I don’t matter to you. I’m alone again.

Similarly, one partner expressing disappointment may be trying to communicate a perfectly reasonable need. Yet something in the other person’s history may translate that moment into I’ve failed again. I’m not good enough. Whatever I do will never be enough.

Those reactions don’t necessarily begin with our current partner. They can have roots in childhood, previous relationships, rejection, abandonment, betrayal, criticism, emotional neglect or other traumatic experiences.

And, of course, both people arrive in a relationship with a history.

One person’s fear of abandonment can activate the other’s fear of being controlled. The first partner seeks reassurance; the second experiences this as pressure and withdraws. That withdrawal increases the first person’s anxiety, so they pursue harder. The other retreats further.

Before long, two nervous systems can be fighting a battle that neither partner consciously chose.

Trauma-informed relationship therapy allows us to look at both parts of this: the pattern happening between you and the experiences being activated within each of you. Couples therapy helps us change the dance. EMDR can sometimes help us work with some of the deeper experiences underneath it.

EMDR for relationship triggers

Powerful emotional triggers are one of the areas where EMDR can be particularly relevant to couples work.

You may notice that certain interactions with your partner produce reactions that feel considerably bigger than the situation itself. You might become intensely angry or suddenly shut down. You may feel panicked when your partner walks away, become overwhelmed by criticism, desperately seek reassurance, or emotionally disappear from the relationship when conflict begins.

In trauma-informed couples therapy, we don’t have to reduce these experiences to simply being “too sensitive” or “bad at communication.” Nor do we assume that every powerful reaction must be caused by trauma.

Instead of asking only:

“Why do we keep arguing about this?”

we can sometimes ask a different question:

“Why does this particular moment feel so threatening?”

That question can take the work somewhere very different.

EMDR for affairs and betrayal trauma

Discovering an affair or significant betrayal can be profoundly destabilising. For some people, particular moments become almost frozen in time: discovering a message, seeing an image, hearing a confession or suddenly learning that something they believed about their relationship wasn’t true.

Long afterwards, seemingly ordinary events can bring the experience rushing back. A phone notification, a partner arriving home late, a particular place or name, a period of silence, sexual intimacy or a change in routine can suddenly trigger fear, anger, intrusive images or intense emotional distress.

Effective affair recovery and betrayal trauma therapy involves much more than processing traumatic memories. Questions need to be answered. Accountability matters. Trust has to be rebuilt. Both partners need to understand what happened to the relationship and whether a sufficiently safe and honest relationship can be created going forward.

But when particular memories or triggers remain intensely distressing, EMDR may sometimes form one part of a broader programme of trauma-informed couples therapy and affair recovery.

The aim isn’t to make somebody forget the betrayal or become comfortable with something that was unacceptable. It is to reduce the extent to which particular traumatic moments continue to hijack the present while the wider work of rebuilding the relationship takes place.

Childhood trauma and adult relationships

Many people are surprised by how powerfully childhood experiences can appear within an adult relationship.

Growing up with an unpredictable parent may make conflict feel dangerous. Growing up with frequent criticism can make even relatively gentle feedback difficult to tolerate. Emotional neglect can leave someone particularly sensitive to feeling unseen or unimportant, while experiences of abandonment may create an enormous need for reassurance when a partner becomes distant.

The opposite can happen too. Someone who learned early in life that closeness was overwhelming, unsafe or unpredictable may protect themselves by withdrawing when relationships become emotionally intense.

None of this means that every relationship problem is caused by childhood. Understanding someone’s history also doesn’t excuse controlling, abusive or hurtful behaviour.

But a trauma-informed approach to couples therapy asks an important question: What has each person learned about closeness, conflict, trust, safety and vulnerability — and how is that learning appearing in the relationship today?

Understanding where a reaction comes from can give us considerably more choice about what happens next.

EMDR and attachment wounds in relationships

The people we love have greater access to our vulnerability than almost anybody else.

Experiences of rejection, abandonment, betrayal, humiliation, emotional neglect or inconsistent caregiving can influence what we expect from relationships and how quickly our threat system responds when something feels wrong.

This is why I often think about couples therapy at two interconnected levels.

We work with the relationship happening between you now: communication, conflict, trust, intimacy, emotional connection and the patterns that keep you stuck. But where it is relevant, we also pay attention to what each partner brings into those moments — including attachment experiences, previous relationships and trauma.

This is the essence of trauma-informed couples work. We aren’t trying to turn couples therapy into two pieces of individual therapy happening in the same room. The relationship remains at the centre of the work. But neither do we ignore the fact that two histories enter the room alongside two people.

EMDR can sometimes help connect those two pieces.

What does EMDR look like within couples therapy?

There isn’t one single way that EMDR has to be incorporated into couples therapy, and I don’t use EMDR with every couple.

The starting point is understanding what is actually happening between you: your relationship history, patterns of conflict, emotional triggers, each partner’s history and whether trauma appears to be contributing meaningfully to the difficulties you are experiencing today.

In some circumstances, elements of EMDR can be integrated carefully into the couples work. At other times, I may recommend that one partner undertakes individual trauma therapy with a separate therapist alongside our work together.

That decision depends on the couple, the nature and complexity of the trauma, emotional stability, safety within the relationship and what we are trying to accomplish.

EMDR is a tool within my couples therapy work. It isn’t the therapy itself.

My primary focus remains the relationship between you.

Trauma-informed couples therapy for complex relationships

I specialise in working with couples whose difficulties are often more complicated than simply needing to “communicate better.”

Couples come to me experiencing high conflict, emotional disconnection, affairs and betrayal, longstanding relationship difficulties, powerful relationship triggers, trauma, ADHD and autism, or situations where previous couples therapy hasn’t created the change they hoped for.

My approach combines specialist couples therapy with an understanding of trauma and the nervous system, drawing on my training and experience in trauma-focused approaches including EMDR.

For some couples, the work is primarily about learning to communicate and respond to one another differently. For others, we need to understand the cycle that has developed between them and what happens inside each partner when that cycle begins.

And sometimes we discover that the relationship you are trying to change today is touching experiences that began long before the two of you met.

When that happens, understanding and working with the past can become an important part of changing what happens between you now.

Frequently asked questions about EMDR and couples therapy

Can EMDR be used in couples therapy?

Yes. EMDR can sometimes be integrated into couples therapy when trauma, distressing memories or powerful relationship triggers are contributing to the difficulties between partners.

It isn’t appropriate for every couple or every stage of therapy. Assessment, emotional safety, stability and careful pacing are important, particularly when there is a history of complex or developmental trauma.

Can EMDR help with relationship trauma?

Potentially. “Relationship trauma” can describe many different experiences, including betrayal, abandonment, emotional neglect, traumatic previous relationships or experiences within a current relationship.

The first task is understanding what happened and how it is affecting you and the relationship now. Where particular memories or triggers remain highly distressing, EMDR may be one element of a broader therapeutic approach.

Do we both receive EMDR?

Not necessarily. Sometimes one partner has a particular trauma or trigger that is significantly affecting the relationship. In other couples, both partners bring experiences that contribute to the pattern between them.

The therapeutic approach should be determined by what is actually happening within the relationship rather than automatically providing EMDR to both partners.

Can EMDR help after an affair?

EMDR can sometimes be helpful when particular memories or discoveries associated with an affair remain intensely distressing or easily triggered.

However, EMDR doesn’t replace affair-recovery therapy. Rebuilding trust also involves honesty, accountability, understanding what happened, answering important questions and gradually rebuilding emotional and relational safety.

Can EMDR help us stop arguing?

EMDR isn’t a technique for simply stopping arguments. Couples can argue for many reasons, and conflict itself isn’t evidence of trauma.

However, if an unresolved experience is contributing to the intensity of someone’s reaction during conflict, processing that experience may reduce some of the emotional charge surrounding the trigger. Couples therapy can then help both partners develop different ways of responding to one another.

Can trauma cause relationship problems?

Trauma can contribute to relationship difficulties, but it is rarely helpful to assume that trauma explains everything.

Earlier experiences can influence how we respond to conflict, closeness, criticism, rejection, intimacy, trust and separation. A trauma-informed couples therapist therefore considers these experiences alongside what is actually happening within the current relationship rather than viewing every difficulty through a trauma lens.

What if my trauma happened before I met my partner?

This is one of the reasons trauma can become relevant within couples therapy.

Something happening between you today can activate an emotional experience originating many years earlier. Your partner may not have created the original wound, but intimate relationships can inadvertently touch it.

Recognising that distinction can sometimes be enormously helpful for both partners.

Do I need to talk about my trauma in detail?

Not necessarily. One distinctive aspect of EMDR is that it doesn’t always require a detailed verbal account of everything that happened.

Trauma work should proceed carefully and at a pace that takes account of emotional safety, stability and your capacity to remain sufficiently present during the process.

Is EMDR suitable for complex trauma?

EMDR can be used in work involving complex and developmental trauma, but complex trauma generally requires particularly careful assessment, preparation and pacing.

The objective isn’t to rush towards traumatic memories. Developing sufficient safety, emotional regulation and stability is an important part of deciding whether, when and how trauma processing may be appropriate.

Should I have individual EMDR or trauma-informed couples therapy?

It depends on where the primary difficulty lies.

If you primarily need treatment for your own trauma, individual trauma therapy may be the more appropriate option. If trauma is contributing to a relationship pattern — perhaps involving trust, conflict, intimacy, abandonment, betrayal or emotional disconnection — trauma-informed couples therapy may be useful.

Sometimes I recommend individual trauma work with another therapist alongside our couples work.

I specialise in couples therapy and do not currently offer standalone individual psychotherapy or individual EMDR therapy.

Specialist trauma-informed couples therapy with Ruairi Osborne

I work online with couples in Ireland, the UK, Europe and internationally, including couples living across different countries and cultures.

My work is particularly suited to relationships where there is more going on than a straightforward communication problem — including longstanding conflict, emotional disconnection, affairs and betrayal, attachment difficulties, trauma, powerful emotional triggers, ADHD and autism, and relationships where previous therapy hasn’t produced the change you hoped for.

If your relationship has become stuck in patterns that you haven’t been able to change by yourselves, we can begin by understanding what is happening between you — and what may be sitting underneath it.

Tuesday to Friday: 17:00 – 22:00

(Max. of 4 appointments per day)